The Chernobyl Diaries (Movie Review)

Oren Peli craps it up again with this crap fest. If you can’t take spoilers don’t read this review. By review I mean far more like list of plot holes while I rant about how terrible the movie was. You’ve been warned but are still better off not seeing this movie.
All the characters go into Chernobyl, well a town really close to it, and it’s abandoned. The tour guide (I wanna say his name is Yuri but I could be way off and I don’t care enough to check) tells them they can only stay there for like 12 hours or they’ll all get radiation poisoning.

At first they go to this checkpoint and aren’t allowed in but Yuri knows a back way for the group. And of course they do all this dumb stuff and there are minor and very predictable jump scares. Then there is a bear that runs at them in a “WTF” moment that was probably the most logical part of the movie.

Then the car breaks down, because it was tamped with or something by whatever the hell is out there in the town. Mutants I guess (they never really explain this, it could be aliens for all we know) and they are all bitching and moaning about being stuck there. Had they started walking at that moment, and done it briskly, they could have found help a little after dark, but their great solution was just to whine about how hopeless it was.

Then the brother gets his leg all mangled and the other brother says he won’t leave without him. Failing to realize that he has a better chance of helping his brother if he DOES leave without him to get actual help.

Then the van that the brother and his girlfriend is in gets attacked. The older brother is insistent on finding the younger one (Who I’ll just call Jesse because it was played by Jesse McCartney, I think, don’t quote me on that I don’t really care).

So we have him wandering around calling for his brother but then like half way through that he never mentions his brother again. It seems like he forgot he even HAD a brother at some point. Of course he’s also really stupid. They are standing in the middle of nowhere, being bombarded by radiation and they see some albino kid just standing there. Now they implied the one guy could speak fluent Russian, but what do they have him do? Address the kid in english, not even TRY Russian.

For one, he shouldn’t have approached the kid at all, cause that’s just stupid. Also any time they saw the mutants or were surrounded by them, they decide to go into a building, a confined area, instead of out in the open where it would be harder to find them.

Then they go in some building and through a system of underground tunnels. Keep in mind they are all TALKING about radiation poisoning this whole time but none of them say they have more than a headache. That is until they go through all these tunnels and come out in actual Chernobyl.

They are confronted by some military people or just people with a lot of weapons, yelling at them in Russian. Magically they now have chemical burns, blurred vision, and are really sick. Feeling ALL the effects at once when they should have happened over a number of hours. The military people start yelling at them in Russian. Once again, the guy who can speak Russian doesn’t even TRY that, he starts yelling in English. He gets shot. Surviving girl gets taken to a clinic, I guess.

They decide that she’s beyond help or has seen too much or something and either put her outside with the mutants or into another room with them and then they kill her?

Either way this movie was just stupid and I can’t even begin to tell you the point of it. 1 out of 5 stars. This review was written better than the actual movie was.

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