Holidays is an awful film found on Netflix. Or at least I found it on Netflix. From what I understand it might have been released somewhere at some point but I don’t care enough to find out. It was awful. God awful. The only exception is the segment labeled “Halloween” which actually had a beginning, middle, and an end.
Basically, the “premise” of this movie is an anthology of horror stories based around all the holidays. Except for some reason, they skip Thanksgiving and Fourth Of July. To be honest, I’m glad they did because it was awful. Really awful. I could barely sit through what little of it there was. I didn’t need to see two more holidays.
The holidays that this movie covers (for some reason) are as follows:
- Valentine’s Day
- St. Patrick’s Day
- Mother’s Day
- Father’s Day
- New Year’s Eve
Every segment was maybe about 10 minutes long. Though some of them were so bad they felt like an eternity. As usual, there will be spoilers so skip if from here if you don’t want to be spoiled (or just skip this movie altogether).
Valentine’s Day: There was some girl being bullied in High School (or Junior High couldn’t tell). She was obviously in love with her swimming coach. There was one real cunt suck who was always on her ass saying horribly mean shit for no real obvious reason. Maybe cause she was kind of fat and creepy I dunno. So then for no reason at all, they show some kind of plot where the Coach of the swim team needs a heart transplant and the kids had organized some charity talent show for him. The main girl “Maxi” was bullied about cutting herself. Something about cutting her arm with the same box cutter her father used to kill himself (because this totally would be a thing she had). Then for no reason, I guess other than Maxi was bullied, the Coach writes her a love note and puts it in her locker. She sees this and goes and kills the main mean bitch then brings him the girl’s heart. End. No, seriously that was the end.
St. Patrick’s Day: Something about a teacher or something who wanted to have a baby really bad. Then there was a kid in her class who was like a witch or something or a daughter of a witch? Or maybe the daughter of the snake that St. Patrick drove out of Ireland? Honestly, they weren’t clear on this. Anyway, so she makes the teacher pregnant with some giant ass snake. As in, impregnates her with a giant snake. The teacher wants this snake baby really badly but also hates this girl cause she’s really creepy. Then she gives birth to the snake and I guess goes and joins some pagan cult? Oh and the head witch guy looks like Danny Zucco from Grease for some inexplicable reason. End.
Easter: There was a girl who was terrified of Jesus coming back to life and attacking her or something. Her mom wanted her to go to sleep and told her the Easter Bunny didn’t come to visit kids if they are awake. The girl, of course, gets up (after some weird wish that her dad was still around) and sees some weird ass combination of the Easter Bunny and Jesus. He says that she was the first kid to see him and now she has to become him or whatever. Then she just…is okay with this…despite being terrified of him. Then she transforms. End. (Yeah this was the end you don’t even see what she looks like after that).
Mother’s Day: Some chick keeps getting pregnant any time she has sex. Even if she uses condoms. Her doctor sends her to some fertility coven in the middle of nowhere. Says it’ll help her. Cause the girl is an idiot she goes. Then these witches apparently drug her for 8 months so she’ll keep the baby. They keep telling her “every baby she kills grows stronger” or something. Then she finally bashes one of them in the head and runs but goes into labor when she falls. Then there’s something about a hawk flying above her and a grown sized man hand coming out of her vag. End. (Yeah seriously nothing happens after that).
Father’s Day: It’s some girl who’s father I guess ran away or something when she was little. She gets a cassette tape of him saying he’s sorry he left. Then he says he can meet her someplace she knew when she was little. She calls her mom and yells at her for not telling her that her dad was alive. It was a message she left on her mom’s machine there’s no actual conversation. So she goes to this beach or something and plays the other side of the tape (as instructed) and walks to some creepy ass house somewhere to see her dad again. Then she goes through a door and there’s a TV or something and her dad is really a demon or whatever and he sucks her through the TV. End.
Halloween: Some douche bag named Ian lives in L.A. They make it clear he convinces young idiot girls to come live with him and do webcam shows. They also make it clear without making it “violent” that he’s abusive to the webcam girls. They’ve had enough and so they knock him out, jam a vibrator up his ass (somehow attach it to a car battery because THAT’S a plausible thing that people can do) and seal him in a room. They then make him “perform” for the camera using the torture dildo. They put him in so much pain he cuts his own dick off, then they decide to kill him with the car battery phallus anyway cause reasons. Next, a new girl shows up at the house and the remaining cam girls say something about Ian leaving and the business is under new management. Also, there was something about them being witches? I don’t know I didn’t get this part.
Christmas: There’s some kind of virtual reality thing that allows you to see your deepest most inner fantasies or something. It uses your accounts on the internet to figure out what you like and show it to you. I don’t know how it does this because apparently, all someone has to do is put it on and then it just KNOWS who the user is? Anyway, so Seth Green’s character (don’t care what his name was) ignores a guy having a heart attack or something to steal the last one and brings it home. He keeps seeing his crime on the thing over and over (and some sexual stuff). Then he’s “fine” with it when his wife/girlfriend (something) thinks it’s hot that he let the guy die and stole it. She somehow saw his visions cause he was “still logged in” even though earlier in the segment it seemed to change what program it showed someone based on who put it on, not some random info anyone put into the visor. Whatever. So then they have sex or something and he puts on the visor and sees his wife/girlfriend drugging and killing him or something. End.
New Year’s Eve: Starts out with some creepy guy looking at pictures of a woman he kidnapped over several holidays. She’s not “happy” with him so he shoots her. Then he’s on a blind date with some chick and it’s pretty awkward. He gets back to her place and she apparently has like, organs and body parts of other men she’s killed. Ha ha irony the killer is with a killer. Except the gun jams when he tries to shoot her so she “wins” and yells something in Spanish I guess because she’s Hispanic? I dunno it ends there.
Okay, so I literally just saved you all the trouble of seeing this awful movie. The only one that was an entire story was Halloween except it was a really dumb fucking story and an excuse to watch a guy cut his dick off I guess? I constantly wonder how people get funding for this shit especially when with only half that budget I’m positive I could come up with a way better movie. 1 out of 5 stars. Just skip it.