Train (2008 Movie Review)

This is just Hostel but on a train and more stupid. I mean, I really don’t need to write much more than that because that’s exactly what it was. I’ll try to write shit anyway because this is a movie review website (spoilers ahead as usual so be cautioned about that).

A group of high school or college students on a wrestling team (including two girls because yay representation) go to I guess Germany or Russia or Ukraine for a wrestling tournament. Then they go back to their hotel, they lost, maybe, or just one guy did? I dunno it was a super boring intro. The coach tells them they are all going to have to be on the train at like 6am. However, the Russians/Germans or whoever invite them to a party. They sneak out and the assistant coach is about to stop them but they catch him smoking weed so he’s like “Fuck it” and decides to just go to the party with them.

They get drunk and I think one guy gets a hooker or something. There’s also a fight over one of the girls in the group (oh and previously a really lame scene where the guy is showing his girlfriend a wrestling move that will “totally work every time” some kind of leg lock). Of course, next morning they are all hung over and miss the train because I guess the coach couldn’t have woken them up like he was supposed to.

Finally, they get to the train station but they need to find a new train. The coach is doing the typical American thing and yelling “DOES ANYONE SPEAK ENGLISH” and some Russian woman “helps” him and tells him what train to get on, which of course is the Hostel type train. At which point the kids find their cars and some really shady ass guys demand they hand over their passport for “safety reasons” which was the first mistake ever. I’d have said no with how shady these guys looked. I’d have said no to anyone who could barely speak English but they just hand them over and like in Hostel the passports get tossed into a fire.

As it turns out they are on some train that captures American to harvest their organs to put into really high pain sicktrain_movie_2007_thora_picture6 foreign people because the woman who told them to get on the train is a surgeon. Yeah. That makes sense. Also, everyone on the train is some kind of patient waiting for an organ I guess? How big is this train? Yeah, I stopped paying attention at some point. One of the girls gets raped and I guess sold to some Russian soldiers. Everyone else gets killed leaving the main girl (don’t know her name but she was in Hocus Pocus as the annoying little sister) eventually kills everyone, blows the train up, and uses the “unbeatable leg lock move” on this HUGE guy which would have never worked ever.

The plus side to this movie is they showed a lot of women getting hit in the face by big men. Not that I advocate that it’s more that it’s really rare to see that in a movie (even if it’s realistic to what would actually happen to women in hostage situations like this). Over all, if you’ve seen Hostel then you’ve seen this movie and Hostel was like 10 times better so don’t waste your energy on this one.


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