Silent Night, Deadly Night (Movie Review)

Wscreen-shot-2016-12-04-at-3-29-24-pmhat a fitting title for the Christmas season? Or….not. This movie was awful. Not even in the way that it was Christmas AND a horror movie. Like everything about it was awful and made no sense. As usual, this won’t be a spoiler free review but, also, this movie isn’t really worth your time either. Somehow, despite that, it has like 5 sequels and I’m not sure I want to watch the other four. Here we go in any case.

This movie starts with a little kid going to visit his crazy ass grandpa with his parents on Christmas Eve. He’s also there with his brother who is a baby. When he gets to see his grandpa it’s clear that the guy is senile/delusional. He also seems pretty catatonic. It’s an 80’s movie so the kid is left alone with the grandpa. The kid’s name is Billy, by the way. So grandpa leans in and tells him about how horrible and evil Santa is and that he punishes kids/people who have been really bad. That it’s his job to do that. Which makes little Billy cry. He’s like 6 years old or something, maybe younger. I’m bad at estimating ages. Of course, this freaks Billy out. Then they are all on a drive home and the mom is telling him not to worry and whatever. 2

At the same time, there just happens to be a burglar/murderer dressed up as Santa. You see him rob a store and shoot a guy over 40 dollars. Then he gets in a car and drives off, but it breaks down or something. He flags down the car with Billy and his family in it. It’s unclear what the dad in the car does to piss off the evil Santa but he kills the dad then pulls the mom out of the car. He’s gonna rape her or something (rips her shirt open to expose her boobs) and slits her throat. Billy sees all of this from some random spot in the woods near the road.

5Then we cut to a few years later. Billy is like 10, or something, and at an orphanage run by crazy-ass nuns. Mother Superior is a super bitch. Honestly, she was scarier than this evil Santa, who never comes back. Like at all. Not once in the rest of the entire movie. Okay, so Billy starts drawing pictures of people being murdered by Santa and shit (cause it’s around Christmas time). He gets sent to Mother Superior for being really naughty and drawing this stuff. Which is somewhat understandable considering what he saw when he was younger. They say he “gets like this” every year around Christmas too. Except they also say that he doesn’t remember anything (like what happened to his parents). The drawings should somewhat make it kind of obvious and you’d think if he acted out like that every year then someone would have put two and two together but whatever.

Billy is sent to his room instead of going back to class as that’s punishment, apparently. Then a nicer nun comes in there and tells him it would be better if he p4layed outside in the fresh air. He gets his coat and is leaving when he hears some strange noises in the hall. He goes to find some girl getting fucked by some guy, watching it through a peephole. He’s caught by mother superior (as is the young couple) and then spanked cause…well I guess it’s his fault for looking in a room to see what a noise was? For real, though, I think that Mother Superior woman was way more damaging to him than whatever he saw the evil Santa do.

Then there is a part where they force him to sit on Santa’s lap and he freaks out and punches Santa in the face. Like knocks him out of the chair. Which isn’t even plausible given that he’s 10 and the Santa is an adult. He runs off and hides in a corner and begs not to be punished.

1After that, they cut to him being 18. Suddenly he’s not a little skinny weakling but a pretty goddamn handsome and muscular dude. The nice nun is trying to get him a job and she ends up working at a toy store. He just moves boxes. It’s implied that he does really well until around Christmas (again). It’s been like 10 years and no one has figured out Billy’s problem (not even Billy). I mean, I know it was the 80’s but there was no police investigation? No trial? No evidence as to anything that happened? No indication that because his parents died on Christmas Eve this may be why he freaks out over Christmas? Like seriously?

Anyway, so the Santa that the store usually hires quit or something (by this point I was barely paying attention) and they make Billy do it. Then it devolves into worse of a plot cause Billy now thinks he IS Santa and goes around starting to punish people. Like, first it’s just people in the store. Which makes sense cause his boss is an asshole and shit. But then he finds a girl who’s being raped and he kills the rapist. Still with me? Makes sense right? What doesn’t make sense is the girl that he saves, yells at him for doing it so he kills her too. And everyone else in the store.

3There is no shortage of random topless women in this movie/neighborhood. He goes and finds them all too. They are slutty and that’s “naughty” so he kills them. He just goes on a rampage killing everyone. I’m not even sure I know what happens at the end because I was so tuned out. I’m assuming they caught him.

Long story short, don’t watch this movie. I’m not even going to give it enough time of day to read the summary on the internet to find out how it ended, that’s how little I give a shit.

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