Why stop at five? Clearly, there have to be far more than five, you say. Yes I know, but these are among the worst of the worst, should have never been remade, the originals are better, and anyone who says otherwise is a moron who doesn’t know what good horror is. In fact, anyone involved in the remakes of these movies (because they were so awful) should be shot, out of a cannon, into the sun. That being said, even though the Hannibal TV show should be on this list (seasons 2 and 3) it’s a show, not a movie so it’s being ignored for now. These are in no particular order and there will probably be spoilers.
- Carrie (2013): Okay why the fuck was this remade and who greenlit this one? Seriously? The only possible reason it could have ever been remade was to make money. For one, the lead girl is really super pretty, not that great of an actress, and quite possibly the most unbelievable actress to cast as Carrie White. This character is a homely, sheltered, awkward teenager. She’s not a beauty queen, pop icon, flavor of the month, glamor girl that you just put in semi-dumpy clothes and pretend that she’s homely. Not to diss Sissy Spacek because she’s an amazing actress but she isn’t nearly as glamorous as Chloe Moretz in this role either. As much as I didn’t hate Julianne Moore being Margaret White, you can’t ever attempt to out crazy and out act Piper Laurie. Then, of course, you have the fact that it’s a near shot for shot (and word for word) remake which adds almost nothing to the story except the slightly different and worse ending. There was no need to remake this one either. How the hell is it better because they added in smartphones and modern technology? Skip it, just skip it, the original is far better and has way more graphic content. Also, John Travolta.
- The Grudge (2004): Even though this may sound slightly hypocritical since I love The Ring remake so much, this remake is a pile of utter shit. It takes the typical American isolated in another country so everything is mysterious and evil cliche and just annoys you to death. The original, Ju-On, is far more suspenseful and gave me far more chills. At the time when it was made I’m not even sure Sarah Michelle Gellar was popular enough to be a box office draw, but she was a “known name” and it’s probably what got butts in the seats. Though it’s not horribly acted, it is pointless when the original is eight thousand times better. However, since Americans are far too lazy to read subtitles or turn on the English dub to a foreign DVD, this and two more sequels exist. Which they should not. Ju-On is amazing and there was no sense in it being remade here. At all. Same with about any other Asian horror film that was remade.
- House Of Wax (2005): I won’t even say the original House Of Wax is one of my favorites because it’s not but I mean really, do I have to get into why this was shitty? Because it can be summed up in two words “Paris Hilton”. Even if she also dies a horrible death in it because she’s stupid, that doesn’t redeem it or earn it points. This is a shitty ride from start to finish and adding in the supporting character of the skank twig that Hilton was supposed to be is just the icing on the shit cake. I don’t know many people who genuinely enjoyed it other than the fact that she died in it which seems to be the most memorable part of the movie for literally everyone who had to suffer through it.
- Prom Night (2008): Where do I start with this one? If I recall right it was PG-13 when it was released (not rated R) even though I think they had an “uncut” version released as DVD. This means that it was a slasher movie that was remade into something that had almost no blood. There was also some weird ass side plot injected into it which made no sense and changed the feel of the entire movie. The first one is also not one of my favorites but it’s miles above the remake. When you take a slasher flick that is built around violence, blood, and gore, and then try to remake it as something for a teenage audience (thus removing all the blood, violence, and gore) you really have nothing that’s entertaining, scary, or worth the ticket price. Even the uncut or unrated (or whatever you want to call it) version of this is fucking stupid. Not worth your time and I’m also not sure it was worth remaking because I don’t even think the first one that was hugely popular.
- Pulse (2001): At first glance this is seemingly a good remake. The trailer made it look decent as well. Then you actually walk into the movie and wonder what the fuck you just watched and why you watched it. This is a remake of a Japanese movie called Kairo which was far better and far more scary. Not to mention suspenseful, better acted…well you get the point. This one also, for some reason (probably to sell more tickets and reach a wider audience) was reduced to a PG-13 rating when if they wanted it to be good they really should have stuck at an R rating. After I saw this one, was when I found out it was a remake, and so almost immediately I went and saw the original. Now that shit is actually scary. This was yet another attempt to cash in on J-Horror by remaking it into something that Americans would totally “understand” and at the same time ruining it because it couldn’t be nearly as shocking or terrifying as the original. The unrated/directors cut is SLIGHTLY better but it also stars whoever the fuck played Veronica Mars and she’s not that great of an actress either.
There you have it, 5 of the shittiest horror movie remakes ever. I could make this longer but the vast majority of my complaints would have to do with Asian horror like The Uninvited (Tale Of Two Sisters) or One Missed Call or Shutter or Dark Water or…alright you get the point don’t you? Pretty much the only decent remake of an Asian horror movie that exists is The Ring. I stand by that statement no matter what.