Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (review)

I started to watch this movie once a long time ago and then got bored and turned it off. For some reason, I tried watching it again the other night and was less bored. Maybe it was because I was also too tired to turn it off. I zoned out a few times because the plot was weird and gross. However, I’m going to review what I remember about it and what I liked and didn’t like for you all. There will be spoilers. If you are wondering if it’s a complete waste of time, without spoilers, I’d say PROBABLY it is but I mean I did manage to make it through the second time and I wouldn’t say it’s the worst movie in the world. I’ve seen worse. Alright, here we go.

First of all, this movie is like the third sequel to a movie called Cabin Fever which was decent and done by Eli Roth some years back. Of course, by this point, he had nothing to do with it and it was written and directed by “some guy”. It wasn’t the best thing ever so I’m not going to bother to put who. I also believe it was straight to DVD/Netflix whatever because I can’t recall either of the sequels having a wide release. I did see the second move to this franchise and by comparison, the third is WAY better so I’d say skip the second one.

cabin-fever-3-sean-astinIt starts with this family and this dude and they are all infected but this guy has a natural immunity to this ebola type thing so the government or something takes him to a secret testing facility to try to make a vaccine. The guy’s name is Porter. He is not helpful in any of this and keeps fighting with them, at one point he infects a worker on purpose. He seems to bond with the Hispanic lady assistant/nurse there who is working for the main crazy scientist, Dr. Edwards. This Hispanic assistant is named Camila and then there is a way too hot, big boobed, blond that they put stripper heels on but also remembered to give nerd glasses to (so we would know she was “smart” even though she wasn’t) named Bridgett. To be fair she wasn’t horribly stupid but she was far less smart than Camila.

Okay so after Porter infects some random worker there, the facility goes on lockdown. Then there’s a cut to the main characters, Josh, Dobbs, Marcus, and Penny.

Josh and Dobbs are BFFs (but they look a lot alike so I kept thinking they were brothers) then they has Marcus as Josh’s brother and he looked nothing like Marcus. Anyway, he’s dating this chick named Penny and they are all down in Costa Rica or something for the wedding. It turns out that Dobbs and Marcus chartered a boat to a random deserted island and want to have a bachelor party there. It’s implied, maybe, there’s supposed to be strippers there but there isn’t. I’m unsure how it was a bachelor party with three guys and a girl but okay moving on.

They get to the island and Josh and Dobbs go to smoke some weed and drink beer and setcabin-fever-patient-zero-infectious-suck up camp. Wow, some bachelor party. Then Marcus and Penny go snorkeling but there are no fish. At first. Then there are a bunch of dead gross fish. When they get out of the water Penny is infected. Marcus just thinks it’s the “weed” and because it’s a new strain they are having a reaction. He goes to get her some Benedryl and then gives her some sexy weird massage with Calamine lotion before going down on her because apparently, this guy is obsessed with eating pussy. No, seriously, they mention it like three times in the movie.

Meanwhile, Josh and Dobbs are off doing something and you find out that Josh slept with Penny before she was dating his brother. It’s some big secret I dunno. Then they hear screaming. Cut back to Marcus and Penny and he lifts up from her crotch and his face is covered in blood and gore. Then she sits up and pukes blood on him. He rushes out of the tent and Josh and Dobbs are back by that point and he says “I think Penny is sick.” and is reasonably terrified.

ry5eaxqThey try to use the radio to call for help but it’s a crap short range one. Josh, who seems to still be in love with Penny somehow (even though he’s about to get married) decides he’s going to look around the island for help. They remember that upon approach to the island they saw a building but the guy who was driving the boat said it was abandoned. Him and Dobbs head that way and Josh stays with Penny who is getting worse, he’s getting worse as well. He starts pouring alcohol all over his body cause I guess he thinks that will help stall the virus, I dunno.

Josh and Dobbs stumble onto the building and go inside but then Dobbs accidentally triggers the “lockdown” function trapping them. They find a map and started to head for the second exit. Then there’s some zombie/ebola mutant guy who’s trying to kill them because he’s insane at that point and thinks everyone is infected and he has to kill all the infected so they can’t get off of the island. He chases Dobbs and Marcus til they get tocabin-fever-3-patient-zero-deutscher-trailer some weird hallway that’s flooded with water and corpses. Dobbs falls in, runs out of the other side and locks the door to block Marcus for some reason. The mutant zombie dude with ebola tries to shoot Marcus but because his flesh/bones are so weak the firing of the gun snaps his wrist off and launches the gun into his face and kills him. Dobbs pulls the gun from his face and runs out of there.

Back on the beach at the camp, Penny is getting more and more upset and Marcus is trying to help her but she freaks out and he grabs her ripping a ton of skin off of her arms in a really weird and obvious fake scream from the girl sequence. He then hears on the radio someone telling him where to go to get help. He heads there and he runs into Dobbs who has gotten out of the facility. Josh soon joins them. They get in a fight about dumb shit then makeup and head inside because Josh tells them there has to be a doctor there with a cure or something.

Oh, it should be mentioned, at some point, the Doctor Edwards guy was trying to test a vaccine on the worker that had been infected. He only had one biohazard suit sincemaxresdefault Porter ruined the other when he infected the worker who was coming to take his blood sample. He ordered Bridgett to help him despite her not having a biohazard suit. She gets puked one by the ebola zombie because she’s an idiot and was too stupid to tell the doctor she wasn’t going to help him because NO SHIT. She runs out of there and showers and whatever but it’s clear she’s infected cause he puked on her face. This happened like way earlier in the movie.

Anyway, so they go down into the other part of the bunker and Bridgett is there with glasses and a facemask on. She lies about having a cure or being able to help them or something but then Camila comes out and tells them she’s lying and gets her to take off her mask. 90% of her face is eaten away by the virus and also she’s like half insane by this point. Guess anyone would be. There’s a whole standoff thing with Porter, Dr. Edwards, and Bridgett. The doctor wants everyone to be quarantined there because there’s no way to ensure none of them are infected or something. He tries to convince them they will be heroes if they find a cure. It seems that he has released the virus on purpose so he can make a cure and be a hero. They also find out all the others in the facility are dead after the one worker was infected.

timthumbEventually, Porter overpowers Edwards and they all decide to blow up the facility to prevent the virus from spreading. Porter goes into the pit with all the dead bodies and Marcus, Bridgett, Dobbs, and Edwards leave to get to the island out of the blast radius and to the small boat they have. Eventually, Edwards tricks Dobbs and kills him after getting the gun away from him. Bridgett tricks Marcus and bashes him in the face with something then runs off the beach where the small boat is. Penny is there and still alive but missing most of her skin.

I just want to note, that despite what this virus does to bones and skin it apparently leaves the teeth alone and completely white. Okay, so both of them start having the least sexy zombie catfight in the world. Ripping each other’s skin and pulling chunks of hair screen-shot-2014-06-11-at-9-48-39-am-620x400off each other’s heads. Eventually Penny kinda “Wins” mostly but also dies. I guess. Cause you don’t see her after that.

Josh finds Dobbs and realizes that Edwards killed him cause Edwards also shot him. They get to the beach and everyone else is dead. Edwards shows up behind him and threatens him about leaving. Gives a whole big speech about how finding a cure could be a huge thing and they could be like Gods or something. Porter shows up behind Edwards with the other gun and Edwards tries to talk him into it too. Camila begs Porter to do something. After a bunch of begging, Porter shoots Edwards. The charter boat comes for them the next morning and they leave.

vlcsnap_2014_02_05_08h00m14s211Then, at some point, they are drinking water and find out Porter put his own blood in it to infect them. For some reason. The reason seemingly being that he hated being a test subject for a cure and knew that if he got back to the main island with them, then they’d trap him because they were the only two who knew he had a natural immunity to the virus. I guess. Then the ending like implies that Porter also released the virus by using some lab mice he found. This infected the facility causing the other workers to die and the waters to get contaminated and leak out into the ocean where it all killed the fish. The end.

Also, I guess this was a prequel???

Overall the acting wasn’t painfully bad (I’ve seen far worse acting in straight to DVD/Netflix movies) the effects were really good, except when it got to certain parts like ripping skin off (and only then it was very minimally bad). The plot was dumb and a bit confusing as was the end (but to be fair I wasn’t paying 100% attention to it and zoned out a lot of the time.

My main complaints would just have to be with how sloppy the story was put together and how little sense it made when it came to the FIRST movie (since this is a prequel). It doesn’t explain how the virus got from where they were to the united states where the first group was. If this outbreak happened in another country first (and it would have) there would have been little to no chance of it ever getting in the US and if it had, much like Ebola, people would have been on lockdown very quick. Also, why was it so hard to synthesize a cure from that Porter dude that he needed to be held prisoner for two months? Also, why focus so hard on a cure instead of a vaccine? Even if Bridgett and Penny had been cured would they have wanted to live with themselves because I mean…DAMN?

The movie is decently entertaining, there are far worse out there as of now, and even though it took me two attempts to watch and finish it I’d give it like 4 out of 10 stars. Mostly for the overly gross ebola girl/zombie catfight on the beach. Never seen anything like that.

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